My apologies for using this forum for something as tedious as the following. But there seem to be some misconceptions about how our transportation system is supposed to work, and this seems like the most efficient way to get the word out:
- To the operators of the Chinatown bus: If, after several years of continuous operation without imposing a numbered boarding system on your passengers, you suddenly decide to implement such a system, you should expect some confusion. This may be exacerbated if you tell passengers who go into your office to obtain such a number that they don’t need one. And, when faced with the first passenger of those waiting who is denied passage on the bus — a handsome young man who is clearly frustrated but remains at least somewhat polite — you might consider offering him something other than your assurance that his ticket will work on tomorrow’s bus. Although your sheepish facial expressions were at least somewhat appreciated.
- To the woman with whom I offered to split a cab to the train station: “Splitting” a cab generally means that you will pay for half of the fare, rather than merely offering offering a sullen two dollars when prompted.
- To Amtrak: Frankly, I don’t know where to begin. The 500% price difference from the bus? The delay? The fact that you don’t let us wait on the platform, instead preferring to patronizingly queue us up and shuttle us around like livestock? You know what, nevermind. These are topics for violent revolution, not for blogging.
- To the girl I sat next to in the Quiet Car: The aforementioned car is so-named because cell phones are prohibited. Also prohibited, if only implicitly (but by common sense and taste in addition to Amtrak): having your Sidekick’s sound effects set to maximum volume as you endlessly fiddle with it.
- To the operators of the Circulator bus: If you have been pursued for several blocks by a tired-looking — although still handsome, mind you — young man, it is a frequently-extended courtesy to pause for a moment longer than usual at your next stop so that he might catch up. This is particularly true if yours is the last bus of the night.
- To God: Causing it to begin raining immediately after the previously described events lacks both subtlety and wit. You have shown in the past that you can do better.
- To DC taxi drivers: Don’t you honk at me, you despicable mountebanks. Shouldn’t you be off somewhere getting a meter installed?
- To the seemingly non-homeless woman whom I caught going to the bathroom between parked cars on my street: I appreciate your apology, but that does not change the fact that what you were undertaking to do is not in keeping with the road’s intended function.
Thanks for your attention, everybody. With a little practice I’m sure we can work out these kinks.
haha, mountebanks